All I want for Christmas is a new Bladder!

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!

This post is for the enjoyment of all of my friends and family, if you are a stranger then this is good for one laugh on me.

If you do not know me I whole-heartedly believe that everyone should laugh every day, not just a ha-ha laugh but a You-Have-Got-To-Be-Kidding-Me, make your cheeks ache laugh. If it has to be at my expense then so be it, I have learned through the years that I am kind-of funny so I may as well laugh at myself, everyone else does.

So here is my story ~ Let this be a warning to you all ~ If you have to pee I would suggest going before reading this.

I was on my way out today to run an endless list of errands, a list so long that it would take me at least 5 hours to accomplish and I only had 2 1/2. Obviously I was going to need a little help. So I swung by Sonic to get my daily energy in a cup ~ 44oz of Diet Dr. Pepper. Yes that's 44 ounces of lovin' in a cup. With cup in hand and a smile on my face I set out.

I was able to make one stop before my very small and inadequate bladder was screaming at me. It was screaming loud enough for other shoppers to hear, no really people were looking. So I'm on the phone with one of my very dearest friends and I think 'why stop our conversation for a mere trip to the bathroom, this is something we can share'. 

I leave my cart with the items in it, items that I had searched for for the friend that I was talking to, I am so adding personal shopper to my list of "things I bring to a friendship".  Anyway, I run, seriously I ran, into the first stall {ya know studies show the first stall is usually the cleanest} while holding my purse over my shoulder and the phone with my chin and doing the pee-pee dance, a very Elaine version but hey it works for me! I am already unbuttoned before the door is closed and then I see it...no purse hook. SERIOUSLY!  I'm already committed here people my pants are half way down I had full on plumber-butt. I just can't set Louis on the floor, Mr. Vuitton does have standards even if I don't. So with the phone still on my chin and the purse tucked under my left arm and I proceed to take care of business.

Now this friend is one that would take care of my "stuff" if I were ever to be in the hospital in a coma, yes we have talked about that. DO NOT make me wake up to find a 1973 afro living under my gown, I would be back in that coma so fast, a girl needs to be maintained ya know! So the fact that she can hear my pee hitting the porcelain is really no big deal. But this was more than the average pee, it sounded like I had jumped a plane and was visiting Niagara Falls, so I shifted and went for the "let it hit the side of the tank not the water approach", it's much quieter that way. This is where everything went wrong, very, very wrong! I said, 'oh crap, girl I can't set me purse down, let me call you back'. That should have been said 10 seconds earlier!

It appears that in my haste I had not gotten my britches pulled all the way down, I realized something wasn't right when the sound had gone away 100% after "the shift", the side of the tank thing isn't fool proof. When I shifted...OH NO...I was peeing in my pants!!!!!! Yes I said it, peeing in my pants! That's why it got so quiet. With the distraction of the phone and no hook I just didn't realize how high my pants still were, I was just concentrating on not wetting my pants and nothing else. Do you see the irony in that statement?

I'm saying to you that I PEED in my panties! 

Now I was almost finished before I shifted so a full bladder wasn't emptied but there was enough to make one heck of a mess.

Oh shit, what do I do now? This is way beyond taking a huge hunk of toilet paper and soaking it up, don't ask me how I know that works! 

My only option...the panties must come off!   

SERIOUSLY ~ Let's not forget I'm in a public restroom with a purse under my arm and a phone, one that hates water but is somehow drawn to it, balancing on the top of the rounded toilet paper dispenser. 

I had limited options and no choice, Louis had to be set on the floor ~ if a blue light could only see the bottom of my beautiful purse. UUGGHHHHH!

So after a look under the stall doors to make sure I was alone I balanced on one foot, as to not let me derriere touch ANYTHING, slid one leg out of my jeans while not letting them touch the floor...out of my wet panties...leg back in...other leg out...panties off...jeans back on...

Now I went quickly to the sink to wrap my panties in a blue-bloody ton of paper towels, shoved them in the bottom of my purse, it was already tainted, and washed my hands. 

I left giggling. What else was there to do at that point, like I said you have to laugh every day even if it's at yourself!

I will leave you with this.

How do people go commando every day, especially wearing jeans?  

Do you know where the seam hits a bare-bottomed women? NOT FRIENDLY!!!! 

Do you know a good urologist I can call?