Flatulence + Dogs = Shawn waving the white flag and gasping for air!

My office is not that big, it's just a converted bedroom and it's full of crap things that I just cannot live without. I'm in here working on PTA stuff, teacher appreciation things and tying to find where my pillow is that I left at a hotel 18 days ago.

It's a beautiful day today and I want nothing more than to be outside but my schedule is not allowing it. I will be in this room all day working on things that have to get done. I would love to go take a shower, hell, I'd be happy to brush my teeth before 5 but this is a coffee drinking day and I hate minty coffee. My to-do list is a mile and a half long and is looming over me like one of Eyeores clouds, if I stay in here uninterrupted while the girls are in school I can get most of it knocked out and crossed off the list and I will feel so much better.

Here's my problem. I have these dogs that have the need to be with me ALLOFTHETIME! If I go they go. I'm at my desk, which is covered with piles of things from Honey's school, Peanuts school, estimates for a fence, insurance papers and other random crap.

As I sit in my chair and swivel there's teacher appreciate week stuff waiting to be created, scrap-booking supplies waiting to be used,

pictures on discs waiting to be filed, paper waiting to be cut in the Cricut, workout equipment that is never going to be used,

a closet that needs to be organized {again} and a box of Pottery Barn bedding that needs to find a new home.

I can handle all of that but what I can't handle are these stinky dogs at my feet.

Rogue is on the left, Deja's on the right. He is now 20+ pounds heavier than her and towers over her in both length and height. I had to stand on my chair to get them both in the picture!

Jewel is tucked under my table and had her nose resting on my feet before I moved to grab my iphone.

Is there anything worse than dog farts?!!? Seriously, these guys are making my nose burn and my eyes water! If I knew who the culprit was I would kick him/her out but the only way to know for sure is to stick my nose by their tails and there's not a snowballs chance I'm doing that!

I wish for you my friends on this hump-day a stress free and fart free day!

Purses! Fresh HOT purses here! Hum, I always thought it was peanuts!

I've had a week! I know it's only Monday, that just makes it all the worse!

I've dealt with unnecessary drama. I hate drama!

My oldest dog has a horrible bladder infection and cannot seem to make it outside on time consistently. I know she's sick but if I have to clean up one more puddle of bloody pee I'm gonna freaking puke!

Rogue decided he liked my brand new leopard print Roxy flip-flops. Apparently they looked like a chew toy. And for the record they were in my closet and the door was closed. I guess I need child locks again! Freaking Asshat!

No one, and I mean no one, will take on the role of President of the PTSA at Honey's high school. Well no one but me because I cannot stand to see something that a handful of dedicated parents have worked so hard on go down the crapper. Not to mention we have a wonderful group of teachers and students that benefit greatly from what we do and I don't want to see them suffer. Please, I'm begging you come be our President so I can still have my sanity, or what's left of it, this time next year!

The laptop, Honey's lifeline to the outside world {aka Face Book} died...again.

Rogue jumped through the screen on the lanai and now thinks he has his very own amped up doggy door. It's getting fixed tomorrow, I'm now taking bets on how many days until he busts through it again.

After gaining 10 pounds over spring break I'm back on my diet and trying not to drink {drinking with girlfriends for a birthday celebration doesn't count}. I'm freaking hungry enough to eat my own fingers and I could really go for a margarita!

But tonight really pushed me over the edge. I was close to going Mamma-crazy!

Peanut had a softball game tonight. We love going to watch her play, it's a family event with Mom, Dad, Sissy, both sets of Grandparents and usually a friend. We really get into it. In fact tonight the coach had to tell me to relax. I was a little nervous having her as the catcher for the very first time after only one practice 4 weeks ago, I just couldn't help myself! So as into as we get I audibly groaned when I saw our ump walk up. This man is a complete idiot! He has a floating strike zone. Is too big to bend over at the waste to clean off the plate so he kicks the dirt off and tells the catcher to be careful not to get dirt on the plate. If there's a play at 2nd or 3rd he won't, or can't, move to get the best possible angle for the call. He's always asking the team scorekeepers what the count is and he's holding a counter in his fat little hands. The only thing that's he's consistent at is sucking! Oh, but there's more and it's a good one! He sells "real" name brand purses and "shades" from the back of his truck. Seriously, he solicits you as you're walking your child to the field. He talks to you in between innings if your close to the fence. He even went as far as to ask someone what my name was and call me by name, "Hey, hey, hey, Dawn", over to him last week just to ask me to go tell all my friends to meet him after the game and shop...in his car! Perhaps if I had bought something he would have made a few fair calls. He kicked our assistant coach off of the field tonight because he didn't show him the respect he deserved on the field. He called "Coach, hey Coach" and didn't get a response so he told him to get off the field. I certainly hope he makes a decent living selling purses because when the other parents and I get done talking to his superiors he won't be umping at our field again especially when they find out he tried to get my 15 year old to go to his truck to take a look at his "goods". I do believe there are laws against that!

The best part of this is that when he asked Honey to come look at his purses she replied "I would have, had you made decent calls tonight". Oh, where does she get her sass from?!!?

True Story Tuesday

True Story Tuesday...I like this, it will help me put a twist on at least one of my vacation stories.

The last day of our vacation we decided to go hiking. Well walking on a somewhat manicured trail through the woods is more like it but doesn't hiking just sound so much better? We made the 25 minute trip into Tennessee to a park, a National park I believe, a park of which I cannot for the life of me remember the name of but I do know that the Centennial Olympics where held there in 1996 { I know this because I have a picture that says so}. We actually found this park accidentally when the road we were traveling on to get to Ruby Falls was closed due to a rock slide. It was a very inconvenient detour and it would have been nice if the "road closed due to rock slide" sign had been located just 1/8 mile up the road where we merged but whatever, I guess we wouldn't have found this place had the sign been in the right place.

Whatever, where was I...hiking.

Our friends left for home Friday morning so Babe and I headed out with the 3 girls. Our friends not being with us meant the gun wasn't with us. Not really a good thing when you're hiking walking on a trail called Bear Paw Pass and just read the "what to do if you encounter a bear" sign. Babe packed a big knife {think Crocodile Dundee} in his backpack but the backpack was left at the house with my hiking shoes...epic fail! So I took a deep breath, said a little prayer and headed off into the woods with 3 girls, Honey's shoes on my feet {she wore her flip flops, what a sweetie} a weak bladder, a husband and a walking stick. Did we have any water? No, we drank it on the drive of course. What a bunch a city livin' Asshats?!!?

Several minutes into our hike I started to feel blisters coming. I eventually turned the shoes into slip-ons by walking on the heels but the only thing that did was allow dirt into the shoes giving me dirty blisters. King Kong sized water filled, dirty, blisters. I could also feel the water I drank on the drive there wanting to make its exit. For those who haven't pushed two watermelons out of a hole the size of your nostril a little 16oz bottle of water would be no big deal but for me and my bladder this was huge! You see I have "issues" with my bladder. It is not my friend. In fact I believe it has it out for me! This isn't the first time my bladder has tested me, no it's happened before and if you want a good laugh you can go here to see what I mean. I know the fastest route to every restroom within 15 miles of my house. It's really that bad!

I tried to be brave. I tried to suck it up. I tried to not humiliate my daughters by dropping my pants in the woods. But 45 minutes into our little journey with nature I was down right miserable and pissed off that I had chosen to ignore the doctors advice about doing those damned Kegel exercises! I really had no other choice but to become one with nature! I was beyond thankful that I had thought to put a napkin in my pocket. I fear anything green in the woods. I have no freaking clue what poison ivy looks like and the thought of wiping my tender parts with something that will make them itch bad enough to have Babe hold my feet and run me naked across indoor outdoor carpet {thanks Amy} is well, less than pleasant! Did I remember the knife, my shoes or a bottle of freaking water? NO! But hey just in case I have to pee in the woods I threw a napkin in my pocket! I'm telling ya, only a person with an evil bladder thinks this way.

Seriously!

Let me just tell you that I sent the girls ahead, pulled my pants down while walking, squatted like the Aflak duck, peed, wiped, shoved the napkin back in my pocket because I hate liter bugs and had my pants back up with my belt buckled in under a minute. People, if a bear was tracking us there was no way I was getting caught with my pants around my ankles! Can you see the headlines? Suburban Family Watched As Angry Bear Mauled Mom! The story would continue with things like, She could have gotten away if she hadn't drank the last of their water. Or, She could have gotten away had she only done her Kegels! The horror!

My True Story Tuesday is that I, Seriously Shawn, peed in the woods and lived to tell about it.

Our friends "trying to enjoy themselves" after we stumbled upon the park.

My family, yes after almost 2 weeks I still have a black eye!

Beautiful pockets of cold water lined the riverbank.

The girls took advantage of a little time to cool off.

Babe had to climb everything.

I stayed in the back...for no particular reason.

I felt a little better here but still wanted out of the bears backyard!

We had so many adventures on our trip, this is the only time I pulled my pants down in public though. I have pictures of a full moon in the middle of the day but I'll spare you those!

Ruby Falls, White Water Rafting, Smores with a bonfire on steroids yep, lots of fun and lots of pictures to come!

There's no place like Home!

Spring break 2010 was wonderful!

I spent the last 8 days with wonderful friends in a beautiful house snuggled in the side of a mountain in North Carolina. We stayed incredibly busy, laughed a lot, watched the kids play in freezing water, took in the sights of several very small towns, got stuck in traffic, came across a rock slide, saw my niece, left my pillow at the hotel we had to stay at due to the horrible traffic, ate my weight in junk food, {I now have to wear yoga pants until I shed those unwanted pounds because nothing else fits} and came home with as many kids as we left with! That was no small accomplishment since the adults were out numbered this trip. We let Honey bring a friend so we had 5 girls with us at all times

{ 15, 15, 12, 10, & 8} they got along beautifully, fought rarely, and I only had to lose it a couple of times, I have to say it was one of our best trips!

I have many stories and lots of pictures {259 on one camera alone} to share but I have to go through them all and edit them before I can share them. Like I said I ate a running ton of crap so I need to make sure my rolls have been cropped out!

I'm sure I've missed a lot in blogland since I never even turned the computer on while gone. Not. Even. Once! I was on Face Book but only on my phone and since I have the best phone ever {iphone} with the crappiest server ever {Alltell} those visits were few and far between.

We could not have gone and enjoyed ourselves as much if it had not been for my parents. They always come and Grand-dog sit when we travel, my babies have never been boarded. I was a little nervous about leaving Rogue but as I suspected he would he won their hearts. He is just precious, I believe it's impossible to not love this Beefcake of mine! As usual we came home to a clean house {my Mom even left mints on our nightstand and folded the toilet paper like a hotel}, gorgeous roses were in a vase, all the pollen has been washed from the lanai deck and furniture, all of the bushes and trees around the lanai are trimmed, weeds have been pulled from the pavers around the pool, anything dead has been cleared from the flower beds and the pillows from my bed that Rogue chewed have been sewn, I'm sure I've missed something, she was one busy bee! I honestly have the most amazing parents ever! I'm sure they are thrilled to be home getting some much needed rest and they need it since they'll be doing it again, with the girls this time, in 3 weeks!

I love vacationing and we are very blessed to be able to go like we do! The best part of any trip is coming home taking a shower and crawling into your own bed! After all day in the car that's exactly what I'm off to do.

Here's the whole Motley Crew at the Biltmore.

I'm not very friendly today!

I have a splitting headache a result I'm sure of drinking 44 oz of Diet Dr. Pepper on an empty stomach! I'm a wee bit pissy actually and I have no clue why. Don't you hate days like this?!!?

It started when I went over my to-do list and realized it just wasn't all going to get done. Why do I put myself in these positions?

It got a little worse when I burped and trying to be a lady about it kept my mouth closed. Well all the carbonation from my beloved DDP came through my nose, that freaking hurts!

It progressed a little further when I took Honey's laptop to Best Buy to see if they could remove the virus, appropriately named Rogue, and get it up and running before we pull out tomorrow so Babe can work while "vacationing". Two things about this. 1. Am I the only one that believes that all viruses are designed by computer repair companies. The Geek Squad new the name of the virus with a simple description over the phone, he didn't even have to see the computer. I totally believe they created it just so they can stay busy. And 2. Isn't "working" while on "vacation" an oxymoron?!!? I hope they can't fix the effer, he needs and deserves to have 7 days unplugged from work!

Speaking of Best Buy, that brings me to another way my day went to shit. I tried, I mean I really tried to flirt my way into having them rush the computer and I failed! Is it my black eye? Maybe it was the 7 extra pounds that walked in there with me and stood behind the counter trying to hid beneath my blousey top. Wait no I know what it was, it was my wedding ring! Yes, that' it for sure. Well at least that's what I'm going to believe because the fact that I'm closing in on 40 quickly and losing my womanly powers of persuasion are just too painful to handle!

I ran several errands and spent a freaking fortune on things I had to have to either bring on the trip or have here for my parents while we're gone. Extra dog food, more Glucosamine for Jewel, cash for the kid that's coming to wear Rogue out daily, a refill on my prescription, a refill for Honey, more Xopennex just in case we have another asthma flare-up while gone, ink for the computer, headphones for my ipod and Honey's since she blew hers and let Rogue chew mine, a trip to the school book fair with Peanut so she had plenty to read ( the profit went to he school not Borders this way). when I added the receipts up I about had a heart attack! I now know I can spend $500 in less than 2 hours! This did not make me feel any better!

It has been one thing after the other and I'm a freaking crab-ass. I hate days like this! I think I'm going to go eat ANOTHER ice cream sandwich, what the hell my pants are already too tight!

We leave tomorrow for a much needed trip to North Carolina with the kids and our friends and their girls. I will try to post a few times, if you don't hear from me it's either because I'm having too much fun or I stayed this shity and my husband and kids left me at the McDonald's somewhere on HWY 75! Don't laugh, it's been known to happen, right Dad!

It was a pleasure doing business with you now pay up!

I believe every family has one...

A Scrooge...

A Miser...

A Penny Pincher...

A 'But What If I Need It One Day'-er...

A Tightwad...

You get the picture.

Well here is ours.

Yes, that cute little thing is so tight that pennies turn to dimes when she squeezes her little cheeks together!

She has been asking me to take her to the bank to open an account but my days all run together and I forget. So she's been keeping all of her money in her Daddy's office because she thought that it was safe there.

Well it seems that Daddy thought it was convenient, apparently more convenient than the ATM at the corner. Without her knowing he's been dipping into it here and there and leaving her an IOU on his business card. She went in her box for some money not too long ago and found it and about had a meltdown.

She reminded him 'Daddy, don't forget you owe me $200' the other day and he grinned and replied 'I will gladly give you $200 if you throw away the IOU'. She caught on pretty quick and ran to her box only to see he's been adding to his IOU. It's been over a month now that she's been asking for her money and he either offers to settle for what she believes the amount to be or tells her 'you'll never be broke as long as I owe you money'.

When she went to add her Easter egg money tonight and saw yet another addition to his balance due she said 'now that's enough'!

When he gets home tonight he will find this on his desk...

{the tin is FULL of gift cards. I cannot get her to understand that they are going to expire!}

and this taped to his computer screen.

Something tells me she means business, literally!

Having a black eye is now marked off my bucket list

Do you have a Bucket List? I do, I haven't actually written things down but I have them in my head. My bucket list includes things like a trip to Australia, mastering snow skiing, stopping for a McDonalds ice cream cone at every McDonalds I pass while going from point A to point B, reading the Bible cover to cover, I do not recall having a black eye anywhere on my list! Well, I can add it and cross it off courtesy of Rogue.

Last Wednesday night I just couldn't sleep so Thursday morning after I got the girls off to school instead of going to Bible study I opted to go back to bed. Rogue of course had to be right there with me. He insisted on laying across Babes pillow with his face pressed against mine {remember the whole separation anxiety thing} he was so close to me that my face was smashed into his. Being a scrapbooker I had to take a picture. When I reached to set my phone back on the nightstand he thought I was getting up and sat up to make sure I wasn't leaving him. When I laid back down so did he but Rogue doesn't just lay down he flops...with force. I refer to him as my Beefcake, you know the kind, easy on the eyes but not exactly a conversationalist, big, brawny and well, stupid. I went on a date with a guy like that in high-school...once! Anyway, as he flopped his ginormous head down on the pillow next to me he missed the pillow and made direct contact with my left eye. It felt like a freaking Mac truck had just hit me!

I got up to look at my eye that felt like it needed its own zip code and knew immediately it wasn't going to end pretty! Being on blood thinners I knew it was going to bruise and that soon it would look like I hung the hand towels unevenly and let the pantry become unorganized.

This Thursday I will definitely be attending my Bible study!

My nearly 80 pound puppy believes he's a lapdog.

Within minutes it looked like this.

After realizing a nap wasn't going to happen I got ready for the day, this is with a ton of cover-up!

Three days later, the bruise has moved up to the corner of my eye and has turned beet red. Easter pictures are going to be oh so beautiful this year!

I've said it before and sadly I know I'll say it again, it's a good thing I love him!

I'll have my dessert before and after dinner please! I may even replace my appetizer, soup and salad with my new dessert!

Sleep is avoiding me...

DVR is calling me...

Celebrity Apprentice...

Now not only can I not sleep but I'm hungry too...

I'm hungry for something sweet...

Something mouth watering...

I want seconds...

I need a bigger spoon...

I want thirds...

I believe this may help fulfill this new sweet tooth I have developed! What do you think?

Mr. Curtis Stone you have got to be the most delicious thing I have ever seen. I could listen to your Australian accent for hours. You can whip me something up for me anytime. I'll even let you sample from the spoon and put it back in the pot. Your girlfriend, Lindsay Price, needs to go back to Beverly Hills 90210 and finish high school while you search for a real woman. Planning on visiting Florida any time soon?

Like any good Miss America contestant he wants to feed the hungry. I bet he loves puppies and walking on the beach barefoot while holding hands too!

You most certainly are a sweet and a savory all wrapped up in one fabulous package aren't you!

Eye ca-ca-ca-candy...

Babe I love you, you are the love of my life, my one and only and I love you more than anything. But would you have an objection to me going apron shopping tomorrow? I'll let you pick up the whipped cream!