While at the Pump...

It seems that I'm spending more and more time at the pump lately. Thankfully my gas station has thought about how bored their patrons will be standing there pumping $87 into their tank and have installed TV's that play infomercials and teasers of the newest mindless talk shows  now taking up air time on E.


Danielle, my bestie, told me about one particular "blurb" that I just had to see. One that shows you how to stay in shape while at the pump. So I started paying closer attention to these blurbs. Heck, I'm there every 4 days I may as well see how to obtain an ass that Babe could bounce a quarter off of. I figured if some bimbo in spandex claimed that doing her pump-side calf raises, tummy tucks and the like would firm my ass in 10 tanks or less than who was I to argue.


Several tanks of gas and a few thousand brain cells later I saw the ever so anticipated blurb. It left me with one word.


Specfreakingtacular! 


If you happen to run into me at the pump and see me doing squats or deep lunges while holding the hose don't be alarmed, it's all part of my plan to be bathing suit ready in 30 days.


One blurb was so fabulous that I actually got in my car and wrote down notes so I wouldn't forget any of it. I tried to capture it on my phone to share with you but that was an epic fail, the only thing I accomplished was pissing off the lady on the other side of the pump. Apparently, she didn't like me using my phone in a no phone-zone. I do have to confess that pissing her off was fun. I hate when there are 12 open pumps and someone chooses the pump connected to mine. Do these Jackholes not know we now share the fuel flow? This only slows the gas going into my tank which will make me later than I already am. Seriously people, get a freaking clue!


To quote my friend Mimi, anytangent 


This blurb is nothing but a white background with a black kitchen chair. In this chair is a seemingly intoxicated woman with what could be a Tweety Bird Band-Aid on her arm. The voice in the background says something like this..."Tired of pulling those painful Band-Aids off? Try this tip. Apply a vodka soaked cloth to the outside of the Band-Aid for one minute, your Band-Aid will come off with ease." The lady pulls of her Band-Aid with a shocked "I cannot believe that didn't hurt" face, finishes her martini {that she was not holding a second ago}, sways back and forth and gives her best B-movie smile.


Are you kidding me? 


I have 2 things to say about this.


1. If a Band-Aid hurts a grown woman bad enough that she needs liquid courage to remove it then she has bigger issues than what's beneath her Band-Aid.


2. Vodka is not be wasted. Do a shot, or 5, when your lips and anything below the waist is numb I guarantee you will not feel the Band-Aid.


This is an extra...Don't ever say I'm not a giver!


I wanted to make sure I was spelling Band-Aid correctly, IA has enough grammar and typo ammunition on me as it is and she has a mean streak, so I Google searched it. Look what the top ad was. 

Because don't we all want to walk around with raw meat on our boo-boos?!!?


You too can have Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages with a free toy inside, because I care I've included the link. Just click on the slices of bacon, but you need to hurry, right now they're on sale .5 cents off!


You're welcome!